Sorry Juneteenth Fans; the Rainbow Mafia Has Overruled Your Lame Little One-Day Holiday Already

marekuliasz /
marekuliasz /

Please note: Before anyone reads this slightly over-the-top and offensive article and makes any assumptions about the author, be advised that he is married to a black woman and has had several biracial babies with her.


It’s hard to believe that it’s been just five years since Juneteenth was made a federal holiday. At the time of that historic moment, the media breathlessly reassured us that this was the most important civil rights victory since… well, since forever! After all, it was a holiday about something-something-something. It was fun while it lasted, but Juneteenth has now been swamped by a far more important holiday. Now Americans are only allowed to celebrate Pride Month in June in Joe Biden’s United States of Gay.

Sorry, black Americans. The Democrat Party just isn’t that into you any longer. You don’t have enough diversity Pokémon points to override the Rainbow Mafia. The Alphabet People just won’t tolerate any deviation from their month-long celebration, so they’d like you to now sit at the back of the bus. (Unless you’re gay, of course.)

Do you remember the most hilarious thing about when Juneteenth officially became a federal holiday in 2018? It was when Barack Obama came out and cried about it while giving a speech about what a victory it was for black Americans. It’s not like he had eight years in the White House, during which he never even mentioned the possibility of making it a federal holiday. The greatest irony is that President Donald Trump stood up for and respected black Americans far more than Barack Obama or Joe Biden ever did.

Oh, well. Those halcyon days when we used to celebrate the emancipation of slaves from the Democrats on Juneteenth are long gone. Now, we’re all supposed to pretend we’re gay for a month while fighting back our natural gag reflex.

To illustrate just how much more serious and important Pride Month is than Juneteenth, just look at the things you can get arrested for or have your career destroyed over. In Reading, PA, they just held a Pride March and Rally on Saturday.

A Christian man named Damon Atkins went to the event and started to read the Bible verse 1 Corinthians 14:33, which says, “For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.”

He didn’t even finish saying the verse out loud before the cops were on him like white on rice. Guess where Damon Atkins was taken. That’s right: Jail! This is where domestic terrorists who violently try to read Bible verses out loud at rainbow rallies belong! It’s not like there’s some right enshrined in the Constitution that allows people like Damon Atkins to say words out loud in a public place at pride marches.

You can also go to jail for disrespecting our new national Rainbow Flag by doing stuff like burning it. Just a year after Juneteenth officially became a national holiday, an Iowa man named Adolfo Martinez tore down a church’s Rainbow Flag that it was flying with pride. He set the flag on fire and muttered something about how Christianity and the Rainbow Flag are incompatible. Just like a terrorist would!

He got fifteen years in prison for his “hate crime.” Maybe he should’ve burned something unimportant, like an American flag. It’s not like anybody can get sent to jail for that in the United States of Gay.

On a serious note, none of us on the political right are really opposed to Juneteenth as a federal holiday. If black Americans want to have a holiday celebrating emancipation from the Democrat Party’s institution of slavery, have at it! Let’s all have a barbecue or something. Here’s a proposal:

If black Americans join us for the boycott of the next Target or Anheuser-Busch that decides to self-immolate over child mutilation surgeries, we’ll eagerly and happily celebrate Juneteenth with you and allow you to keep it as a holiday. Because frankly, it’s a far more important and far less embarrassing holiday than having all of corporate America slap rainbows on everything for 30 days in a row.