San Francisco is so Great These Days That Pirates Are Attacking in the Bay

Jeff Whyte /
Jeff Whyte /

Okay, who had pirates returning to coastal waters in the US as part of their 2023 American-decline-under-Joe-Biden bingo card? If you did, you’re a winner! The Bay Area crime spree has now gotten so bad that pirates are stealing sailboats and other vessels. At this rate, we should probably expect a return of the Black Plague in San Francisco by this time next year.

So far, the acts of piracy on the high seas of San Francisco Bay are only happening at night. The pirates show up under cover of darkness riding smaller watercraft. They use bolt cutters and other tools to steal unoccupied boats, particularly in the estuary between Oakland and Alameda Island. Sailboats, jet skis, dinghies, and other small watercraft, along with tools and outboard motors, are disappearing every single night.

For those unfamiliar with Alameda Island, it is one of the last remaining nice places to visit in California. It’s really nice. There’s no crime, everyone on the island is white, and there’s no poop on the sidewalks. It’s like the Martha’s Vineyard of the West Coast. If a homeless person shows up on the island, the cops pick him up and dump him back across the bridge in Oakland, where he came from.

Boat owners are blaming the homeless tent cities across the estuary in Oakland for the uptick in piracy. They’re also blaming “anchor outs,” which are people living on stolen boats who continually move around to live rent-free. Police have not issued any statements about the acts of piracy yet.

Speaking of which, great job in defunding the police, California! It’s a good thing that there are only two marina cops on the entire force these days—one from Oakland and one from Alameda. This makes it virtually impossible for the marinas to be guarded full-time.

It’s a terrifying situation for people who live on their boats full-time in the Oakland Marina. Pirates are stealing boats and other equipment every night, even in front of witnesses. The residents are starting to form defensive groups and arm themselves. And as we all know—that’s racist.

Anything that is not nailed down—and even some things that are nailed down—are being targeted by the pirates. A nice outboard motor can fetch as much as $5,000 on the black market. They’re also stealing gas cans, portable fuel tanks, tools, food, clothing, and boating equipment or parts.

You might be wondering how pirates are stealing boats and getting away with it. It’s not like there are a ton of boats out there, compared to cars. A yacht or a sailing vessel is kind of a luxury item, especially in California. The answer is that the thieves are repainting the vessels, to try to pass them off as their own.

You also might think that living an upscale lifestyle that includes owning a yacht or a houseboat will protect you from the liberal crime wave that’s affecting American cities. You’d be wrong, though. It’s 2023, and in Joe Biden’s America, pirates are making a comeback.

Here’s a local news story from San Francisco about the return of piracy in America: