Galaxies Named After Magellan to Be Renamed to Protect Space Aliens from Racism

Zakharchuk /
Zakharchuk /

Last week, the Year Zero communist historians in America decided that it was time to rename dozens of bird species that had been named after prominent white men from the 19th century. They’ve found a new target this week! We are assured by the Very Good People among the communists that we must now rename the Large and Small Magellanic Clouds—a pair of faraway dwarf galaxies that were named after Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan.

An astronomer named Mia de los Reyes at Amherst College in Massachusetts actually got a scientific paper on this published in APS Physics, a journal that presumably used to be about science. She argued that Magellan and similar historical figures should not be honored when naming astral bodies since they supposedly did bad things to “indigenous peoples” when exploring the earth.

For those who don’t remember, Ferdinand Magellan set out on a peaceful trade mission in 1519 to try to find a way to the West Indies by crossing the Pacific Ocean. He succeeded after spending several weeks peacefully in the Philippines, where he and his men converted 2,200 people to Christianity.

Magellan and his men set out to try to peacefully meet and trade with one of the Cebu tribes in the Philippines one day. As soon as they set foot on shore, a pack of 1,500 howling “indigenous peoples” hacked Magellan and 48 of his men to pieces with spears, axes, and knives. (There are so many metaphors for diversity, equity, and inclusion in that story!)

That’s how Magellan oppressed the indigenous people. Or something.

Anyway, professors across the country are now chiming in that it’s time to rename the Magellanic Clouds. We assume that any space aliens living there will no longer feel oppressed by white supremacy as soon as the galaxies are renamed for some communist lesbian.